What have wet wipes ever done for us?

Wet wipes, I’ve got drawer after drawer of the bloody things.

You can’t open a cupboard, unzip a bag or even clean down the back of the sofa (not something I do often) in our house without being hit by an avalanche of moist towelettes.

But, at the end of the day, what have wet wipes ever done for me?

Nothing. That’s what!

Except making changing nappies considerably easier than using toilet paper or cotton wool. We had to use cotton wool when Sam was in hospital, it was a nightmare – bits of fluff getting everywhere. It didn’t so much collect ‘matter’, more just move it around.

OK. So apart from making changing nappies considerably easier, what have wet wipes ever done for me?

Thinking about it, they’re pretty good at cleaning up sick too! They don’t dissolve into porridge-like goo in the same way kitchen roll can. Wet wipes are really good at holding onto chunks of matter that might be found in said regurgitation.

OK, OK. Moving on…

So apart from making changing nappies considerably easier and being pretty good at cleaning up sick, what exactly have wet wipes ever done for me?

Oh yes. They’re great at getting rid of snotty noses. Especially when the bogies are dried on and have the consistency of toughened concrete. Wet wipes remove snot much more effectively than the old spit and hankie technique my mum used to prefer.

OK. OK. That’s all well and good. But apart from making changing nappies considerably easier, being pretty good at cleaning up sick and great at getting rid of snotty noses, what exactly have wet wipes ever done for me?

*Wet wipes cleaned my glasses nicely after Sam decided he wanted to rub them with Ella’s Kitchen covered mits – not ideal if you’re just heading off to a driving lesson and aren’t allowed behind the wheel without eye-wear.

*They also provide a great distraction during nappy changes. I hand an unopened packet to Sam and it keeps him occupied while I get on with the messy business. In fact, wet wipes’ packets, with their crackling sounds, are treated by my son as if they are the world’s greatest toy. Nothing makes him happier, other than (perhaps) a sock that’s been newly liberated from his foot.

*They were great at removing all traces of chicken tikka masala from a new pair of brogues, when I slipped on a squeaky pig and sent my dinner flying.

*Wet wipes were also great at providing a substitute for a shower when I arrived late (long story) – sweating heavily – for an interview with a minor celebrity. The wipes were pleasingly refreshing , in fact they should write that on the packet!

*Wet wipes were also a great way of cleaning milk formula off my iPhone, when a certain baby knocked over an entire container of the powder – causing a mini snowdrift! Note: I wouldn’t recommend doing this, it probably invalidated the warranty.

*Four packets of wet wipes also provided effective ballast, preventing a picnic blanket Sam and I were sat upon from taking off, during a sudden windy period. We’ve had a lot of sudden windy periods since he started weaning…

But apart from making nappy changes considerably easier, being pretty good at cleaning up sick,  great at getting rid of snotty noses, polishing my spectacles, providing distraction during nappy changes, removing traces of chicken tikka masala from new brogues, giving a refreshing shower substitute, cleaning formula off my phone and providing effective ballast at picnics… wet wipes have never done anything for me!

At all!

Thank God for wet wipes.

I’m sure you agree!

Still sinking…

The Out of Depth Dad.

@Outofdepth_dad

www.facebook.com/OutofDepthDad/

BTW, take a look at this: Monty Python’s Roman’s sketch.

When the Sh*t hits the pram!

“I’ll get a stick!” I announced, to Sam.

But from where?

There’s never a stick around when you need one. I scanned the tarmac, discovering a used KFC box, an abandoned arm (from what looked like a Power Ranger) and assorted leaves at various stages of decomposition. There were no sticks, I was stuck with poo on the wheel of the pram.

Not for the first time.

I’ve discovered that dog poo is my absolute nemesis. Every move I make, every step I take, I’ll be treading in it (or rolling a pram wheel through it).

Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. I’m very much a ‘dog person’. If I ever get reincarnated I’ll happily come back as a hound of some variety. Their ‘doings’, on the other hand, are as repulsive as it’s possible to be. Most of us share this opinion – don’t we? The only thing I find more repulsive than dogs’ mess are the people who don’t clean up after their pets. I just can’t understand how this happens. How does someone walk away from dog mess and think that’s OK?

It’s getting worse. Every day I take Sam on (at least) 3 long pram-based walks, in an effort to get him to sleep or give his mum time to snooze. I know this is nothing unusual, thousands of fathers up and down the country are doing the same thing, so I’m not looking for a medal. My frustration is these trips have become mini-assault courses through which I must weave, dodge and leap my way in order to avoid the little ‘gifts’ left by previous passers-by of the canine persuasion. It’s exhausting and I’m exhausted to start with. Lapses of concentration inevitably occur and I find myself with an unwanted fragrant passenger on the pram.

“Does the baby need changing?” my other half will ask, sniffing the air on my return.

“P.P.I.!” I’ll reply.

For the uninitiated, I’m talking about a ‘Poo. Pram. Interaction.’ This is usually followed by boiling the kettle, for hot water to wash the wheels – not my favourite activity.

I’d like to say that I do this in good grace, but I don’t. I stand in the front yard moaning to anyone who’ll listen to my predicament. I wonder aloud how hard it would be to collect the mess in a bag and put it in a bin. ‘Not very’ is the inevitable answer. Although bags aren’t completely the answer. There’s a new breed of dog walkers who collect the detritus in a bag, then leave the bag on the pavement. Either way, it’s someone else’s problem.

My plan would be to introduce spot fines. Dog walkers would be stopped on searched and those not carrying bags for their pet’s doings would be fined.

Too harsh?

Perhaps. I do have another solution, anyone not picking up after their animal would be made to stand in the town square. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking of bringing back the stocks. My thought is they would have buckets of hot, soapy water and be available to scrub my pram wheels. Sounds fair to me.

I’m sure this has ruffled some feathers. To those of you I’ve annoyed, don’t worry I don’t have any power to enforce my anti-poo ideas.

Yet.

In the meantime if you see a bearded man, with a pram, looking for a stick. It’ll be me, refusing to find poetry in motions.

Still Sinking…

The Out of Depth Dad. 

@Outofdepth_dad